I spent weekends with friends, never confident that these people actually liked me. Football games were stressful because conversations were short, even though I've never been shy with words. If I exited first, then I wasn't the reject being left behind. My close friends were Ruth, Suzanne, April, Allison, Steve and Elisa - I think - but I only keep in touch with one of those closely anymore. I guess we just went in different directions. I went to homecoming and prom with friends I invited from other schools my senior year and was disappointed not to have been asked...but it was in groups of over a dozen, so that was cool, and we had a really good time. I interviewed people for the newspaper and decided what editorials were going on page 2. Voted captain of the tennis team, I got to give a 30-second speech at Homecoming. All I remember is a blur of people and being scared to death. Why couldn't the popular girl with whom I shared this leadership role be up there with me? I worried about orchestra auditions...not caring as much as I did the previous year because of not caring all that much about our new director. I liked high school. I was outgoing and had a good time. I would have never confessed being concerned so much about what other people thought or how I hoped to be seen in the right places at the right time, but that never seemed to bother me as I went about doing whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted to.
My community, the people around whom I let down my guard, even if only slightly as a self-conscious, insecure teenager could, didn't walk the halls of York. They went to the schools I could only dream of attending - not for any academic reasons, but because that's where my friends were. Downers Grove South. Hindsdale Central. Maybe LT or DGN...but not really. Youth group was where I laughed the most and from where the faces came that are still hanging on the bulletin board in my bedroom at my parents' house in Elmhurst. It still looks almost exactly as it did when I left for college over a decade ago.
My job today is to interact with teenagers. I spend significantly more time thinking about high school and talking about teachers, AP exams, college admissions and football games than the average person my age. It isn't in the "stuck in the past" sort of way at all, but when I sit with the senior girls and gush over prom dresses, I can't help but think of that night, how it was my first time in a limo and wondering if the boy I thought was so cute would ask me to dance. He didn't, but my date was a blast!
Having connected with many of my former peers on Facebook, it's been interesting to see where people landed in life. The shy, quiet, nerdy one is now bubbly, married and has a thriving career that requires her to be confident and assertive. She would have won the "most changed' award, in my book, had there been one given at our 10-year reunion. Then there was the guy that night who I remembered being quiet, a little mysterious, super popular, pretty much a jerk...but totally hot. He seems to be doing well and genuinely a kind, out-going person. In high school, we would do math homework together, but that was the extent of our interaction; he ran in a different crowd on Friday nights. I think we might be friends now if life were to have us in the same place. Then there was the girl who I thought would probably end up failing out of college because of drinking and partying and being such a ditz. Now she's a suburban stay-at-home mom who juggles more responsibility than most. Oh, and I was the one who ended up in a sorority. And the girl with whom I shared a "Juicy Gossip Book" (yes, it was as horrible as it sounds)...well, I have no idea where she is anymore and am not sure if our friendship went any deeper than keeping tabs on who liked who and what happened at lunch.
The more interesting thing, to me, is realizing that most people never change. The girl who did so well in French class is a French teacher. The logical, driven and focused friend of mine is in hospital administration, kickin' butt and taking names. The science nerd is a chemical engineer. The girl who always soloed with the choir is a professional singer, just like the concert mistress of our orchestra is playing for a symphony. And the guy whose comments in English class were always a little confusing and too deep to about which to care...well, last I heard, he's getting his PhD.
I can't help but wonder with the tiniest bit of curiosity and laughing relief that it doesn't really matter anymore...am I who you'd thought I'd be?
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