Grace...it's more about me

I've been thinking about the concept of grace lately. It's not a lesson I sought out or from a profound sermon. It's just sort of that, "hmmm...so that's a little tiny miniscule glimpse of how this is supposed to work...huh," feeling. It's not new and unique and a big deal. Just a little tiny perspective that maybe I've forgotten lately.

You see, something happened that was hurtful. Something happened that I didn't like. I wanted to speak up, get on my haughty soap box, put on my glasses, slide them to the bottom of my nose and point my finger. Loudly. Just to make sure everyone was aware of this wrongdoing and would be on "my side." OK not really, but that's what feeling did go through my head for about a minute when I was really frustrated.

Fortunately, that's not reality and those thoughts never did escape my mind and become actions. I didn't really want to do that. I was just annoyed. I'm human. The truth is that I didn't know what to do. I prayed about it. I forgave. And then it went back to normal. We talked. Things are fine. And it was all "nice" again.

Nice bothered me. It didn't seem right or fair or just. But I was put in a position where kindness - the kind of biblical kindness that we corrupt in churches and mistake with being fake - was what was needed. God wanted me to genuinely care for and respond with grace.

Grace. It's not something I deserve. God gives it to me despite me. God gives it to me when I realize my wrongs and feel like I deserve it. God gives it to me when I'm oblivious to the disaster of me and don't even feel like I deserve it. God gives it to me because that is who He is and how He loves. It has nothing to do with me.

Why is it that we seem to think we have a right to determine how to be graceful? How to show kindness and compassion and love and mercy? Why is it that I thought I had a right to determine whether or not to show grace to this person who wronged me, contingent on whether or not I could clearly broadcast how "right" I was and how "wrong" they were. (Insert sarcasm...for the point being made here, I hope you know what I mean.)

What I'm not saying is that now I know everything about grace. What I'm not saying is that feelings and hurts and pains are meant to be glossed over and replaced with a phony, plastic smile. What I'm not saying is that there's no time for justice and truth. But what I am saying is that maybe - just maybe - our dispensing of grace, if you claim to be one who follows Jesus, should be more based on who we are and our desire to share love with others like God loves us, knowing it's never going to be perfect, and less about how the other person may or may not react or deserve.

There's the old saying that we can't control other people but we can control how we respond. And I'm reminded that responding in grace has less to do with the other person and is more dependent on me. And it's good.